Oh my god is 10:30 a.m. too early for a beer? Man I tell you, I joined toddler class when Alexander was around 14ish months. I had the stardust in my eyes of making life long mommy friends and cherished childhood pals for X. But now, if it were just me, I’d never go again. You see, each time I take X to class now-a-days I have this hope or notion that runs through my mind – maybe this time will be different.
You see, I’m writing this post emotionally charged after just getting home from class, and yes, I’ve parked my kid in front of the TV with cuties and O’s to snack on in order to purge my toxic thoughts so I can regret it later.
To X, class is class, it’s good for him…that’s why I still go. But to me, I feel the junior high awkwardness of the girl along the wall that smiles but will not ever be asked to dance. I’ve been in the class for several months now, it’s the same people I’ve been going to class with the entire time for the most part. With the exception of one mom that is polite to X and I, no one really has extended the hand of long lasting friendship, barbeques and birthday parties, days at the park, trips to the zoo. Partly that is my fault because I don’t know how to express genuine niceties. I fake niceties for a living and frankly it’s exhausting. On my own time I’d like to just be the usual off color sharp tongued gal I am and not have points off for that.
The class today started good, X was happy…at first. And by the end, as usual, I’ve questioned my aptitude as a mom and want to crawl into a hole. And all I really crave from my mommy counterparts is any sort of “hang in there”, while my kid is hitting me and screaming “NOOOO”. Instead I get side-eyed and I can feel the penetrating thoughts of others wondering what goes on in my home life that warrants such misbehavior. Oh don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a good mom, my kid loves me, he’s happy. But he hits and screams and he pretty much does that only with me, which I know in my heart will pass, but could a mom from class just give me even a look of kindness or roll their eyes suggesting they know what I’m going through…just a non-verbal sign of I know it sucks but you’ll survive. And what about an enthusiastic “See you next week!” from someone, anyone, to suggest our presence is not a total bust.
I don’t like to be in situations that make me uncomfortable. And that’s what class does to me. I know it’s all about the boy and what’s best for him. He needs to be around other kids and I need to just keep on keeping on, hoping for the day class goes well and I drive home feeling empowered, instead of wanting to get my drunk on.
So…there’s the rant. I feel better.
I wrote this btw…
You’re not a bad mom, if you want I will take him for a while and you don’t have to go.
You’re not a bad mom, if you want I will take him for a while and you don’t have to go.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! There will always be those groups of people that are different from you, always.
Find your peace and don’t worry about whether or not you fit in with everyone, you just can’t do that. Most likely these same people are feeling the same thing as you.
It’s kinda like going to church…you know you want that special message, the one that makes you feel like you are going to be a better person because of it; but instead, you find you are being asked for funds or told how to vote or just stuff you don’t care about and you have just wasted that hour of “me” time. Enjoy your time with X…you can teach him to share, or be friendly and kind! Just teach him about love…he’ll learn to deal with others when he has to.
XOXOX
The teacher looked genuinely disappointed when it was me showing up and not you. You can take him, I give up for now…
The teacher looked genuinely disappointed when it was me showing up and not you. You can take him, I give up for now…
I don’t think people are thinking bad things about you. It seems like a lot of the parents are just zoned out while they are there, killing time until class is over.
I don’t think people are thinking bad things about you. It seems like a lot of the parents are just zoned out while they are there, killing time until class is over.
Probably not, my rational side tells me that, but my paranoid side thinks differently.
Probably not, my rational side tells me that, but my paranoid side thinks differently.
You should listen to your rational side more, listening to the paranoid side too much tends to give bad results in your case.
You should listen to your rational side more, listening to the paranoid side too much tends to give bad results in your case.
There is humor in being hard on oneself. I should be a comedian with my talent for self deprecation. WANTED: a reformed party girl near her forties who enjoys music I deem cool like the Pixies and Velvet Underground, who also finds herself with an almost two year old but still utilizes her razor wit and mutters the f-bomb now and again. Are you out there sister mother?
Jess, you are a good mother! Just remember that Alexander is half Steve and half you….AND ALL BOY! He’ll grow out of a lot of that behavior eventually…but then again he is still a boy and most boys don’t grow up until well into their late 30’s.
Jess, you are a good mother! Just remember that Alexander is half Steve and half you….AND ALL BOY! He’ll grow out of a lot of that behavior eventually…but then again he is still a boy and most boys don’t grow up until well into their late 30’s.
Don’t feel bad!! I have a screamer too! And it’s hard to make new mommy friends. Too bad we don’t live closer, I’d have a beer with you at 10:30 while the kids zoned out!
Don’t feel bad!! I have a screamer too! And it’s hard to make new mommy friends. Too bad we don’t live closer, I’d have a beer with you at 10:30 while the kids zoned out!
Oh I’m not worried about X. He’s full bore into his terrible twos. He’s a great kid learning his ways…right along with his momma. But I’ll take the liberty to express my thoughts and or insecurities. I don’t think I’m a bad mom, I just don’t want to be perceived as one. I know that there is no possible way to control the way others view me, but speculating and bitching about it is my way of doing things, it’s how I’m built in the mind…to speculate and bitch about it. (does anyone else think this is funny? I thought this post was kind of humorous.)
Oh I’m not worried about X. He’s full bore into his terrible twos. He’s a great kid learning his ways…right along with his momma. But I’ll take the liberty to express my thoughts and or insecurities. I don’t think I’m a bad mom, I just don’t want to be perceived as one. I know that there is no possible way to control the way others view me, but speculating and bitching about it is my way of doing things, it’s how I’m built in the mind…to speculate and bitch about it. (does anyone else think this is funny? I thought this post was kind of humorous.)
OMG Cassie…me too!!
you know, i had this same problem with vaughn going to MOPS(mothers of preschoolers). This was a place where moms got together to do crafts/eat/talk/gaggle.. while the kids went and played in a huge room.. and 2 of the moms sat in there with them.. well, no one liked to gesture whatsoever with me for awhile.. i only went a few months since it was once or twice a month thing.. And I felt horribly outta place.. Like they all tried to avoid looking at me just sitting in their own Cliques.. so eventually i took vaughn out and put him in daycare.. Now ITS ALL BETTER!! :) he’s there to enjoy himself and get preschool ciriculum already and be watched by amazing daycare provider.. Vaughn never did hit and scream at me like that. That sounds like terrible TERRIBLE twos!! But if something does make you uncomfortable like that, see what you can do about finding somewhere else u can take him to enjoy himself.. try to get a gettogether with any moms at the park every so often.. make your OWN group. Fuck that one! If they act like that it’s not worth your time… And maybe a small lime-a-rita will quench your anger? ;D
The fact is there is nothing wrong with the other moms. The fact is I am self conscience. There isn’t anything wrong per say with the group and probably no one is actually paying attention to me or my flailing kid outside the fact they are glad it’s not their kid. I have my moments. Today was one of them. I’m hands down the oldest mom there with a good decade on the other moms, this does make somewhat of a difference in having things in common besides the kiddos. X gets to go to a daycare and gets to hang out with other kids on the weekends and I always get good reports about him. So I know we are doing something right. I’m going to just take him on adventures on my days off now. We’ll go out and explore and kick stones and pick up frogs and do that kind of stuff together, it’s much more fun anyway. When weather gets crappy I’ll go to class again.